Dear 2020 please be good to me, pretty please... 🥺 Last year was all about healing. Recalibrated my ongoing ‘fight or flight’ mood to ‘rest & digest’, I found immense peace, self love in solitude, nature & simplicity... Challenged myself to let go of my remaining attachments, cut my ties, faced my demons... As I let go, I felt lighter, shed some skin (like literally); 5 kg of muscles to be exact. Finally let my rough flesh guard down, allowed myself to be vulnerable, ‘weak’... only to realize that deep down I was training for the worst case scenarios might happen, like punching a rapist or out run my stalker something like that (what!?! ) Yeah... That might give you a clue how unsafe, unease I feel in my surroundings & unfortunately I have my own reasons to believe that.
In a place everybody shows their best side, here are some of my worst parts;
Nobody knows how many nights I cried myself to sleep, how out of place I feel at all times or how much I prayed to be invisible instead of dealing with controversy... How most days even the simplest things like leaving the bed & get the day going hurts so much; somedays physically, somedays emotionally.
Or How painful it is to see my body is no longer capable of catching up with mind to create the art I love.
The negative Nancy resides in my mind constantly screaming negativity sometimes blinds me to reality, always seeing the glass half empty.
Or how unattractive I feel, like being physically beautiful is so out of reach for me. Maybe that’s why I keep learning new things, reading avidly to cultivate some sort of inner beauty.
How all the people who makes me feel loved are thousands of miles away & the people who constantly reminds me of the big baggage I came with (health issues etc.) is so damn near to me & I feel so lonely.
Nor what kind of a limbo I live in; the times I didn’t get casted because I have an accent or don’t look Turkish enough & at the same time I got slammed by other people claiming my accent is fake & I don’t look foreign enough.♀️♀️ Everybody has an opinion & unfortunately it has nothing to do with me. And all this is exhausting...